I’ve always loved cars. Most of my toys as a kid were cars or car-related like a Minic Motorway. I can remember my older sister begging my mum to tell me to shut up as I made car engine and braking noises while lying on the floor with that days selection of car models. The car braking noises always involved locked wheels (ABS wasn’t a thing back then). It must have been quite annoying. Sorry sis.

My dad (RIP) also viewed cars as a priority. I loved to go out with him anywhere, just to be in a car that was driving around. Here’s a potted history of the cars he had when I was growing up:

Ford Popular

I reckon this is where being a critical person of cars started. Even at that age, single digits. I was incredulous that a car could be made with wipers that went slower the faster you went, thanks to the vacuum operation. Absolutely mental.

Ford Anglia

My dad’s company car when he was a rep, selling something I don’t remember. It was dark blue and that’s all I can remember of it.

Mini Van

I remember having a little paddy when this arrived. I was not happy, it seemed like a massive downgrade from the Anglia at the time. It didn’t stay long, for whatever reason.

Ford Zodiac Executive

The poshest Ford you could get at the time, I think it had leather seats, all manner of gauges but you still had to wind up your own windows. At least the window winders were chrome. We had a trip to London to see my mum’s friends, something serious went wrong with it and he spent the whole trip repairing it. It was in a lot of pieces for about 3 days so it must have been bad.

Rambler Ambassador

Me and my dad both loved American cars and I was open-mouthed when this arrived. It was huge, gold, automatic and convertible. Perfect for parking outside a terraced house in Liverpool. My mum and sister were both embarrassed about the flashiness of this car. I remember a trip with the family to see Blackpool Lights, We were stopped in the inevitable traffic queue when dad chose that moment to drop the hood, electrically powered as it was. My mum and sister sunk low in their seats and tried to be invisible. I thought it was great though, I could really see the Blackpool Lights properly now. I did later imbibe some of their embarrassment, if dad was working near my school he would give me a lift but I would make him stop the car where it couldn’t be seen. It eventually had to go because it drank way too much fuel, being a V8 with a slushmatic auto.

Vauxhall VX 4/90

This was his first brand new car, and very stylish it was in it’s metallic blue paint with Rostyle (type?) wheels and blue vinyl seats. It had a four speed gearbox with overdrive on 3rd (for some reason) and 4th gears. I think dad had become mindful of fuel economy after the 12mpg of the Rambler. It was the first car I washed for him, with an almost dry cloth, swirling up the paintwork good and proper. He was remarkably calm, I think he had bigger fish to fry at the time.

Mazda Pickup

Dad’s work needs changed and so this pickup arrived. Bright orange. I took my first driving lesson in it with him, working with a column gear change. One time I didn’t brake hard enough for his liking which caused a huge row and ending my driving lessons until I got a job and could afford to pay an instructor. He liked the Mazda so much he bought another a few years later. At this point I was about to embark on my own car journey, so to speak.

Learning to Drive

I learned to drive in a Fiat 127, in which I also learned what a rubbery gear-change was. I had just that one lesson with my dad and so was able to drive the 127 on the streets on my first lesson. The instructor said I was “muddling along” and we would see if he could improve things enough for the test. Test day came, and he turned up in his new Peugeot 304 estate. So I would be doing my test in a car I had never driven that was much bigger than the 127. Somehow I passed, this being about the only time I have been officially certified to do something. Hooray for me.

I had got a job through the Work Experience program (bring that back, it was a great idea). To progress in that company I needed to be able drive, and would be given a company van shortly after passing. Company cars weren’t taxed at this time so it was a huge bonus to have one attached to your job, at age 17 and half too. Freedom at last.

Datsun Box Van

My arrival at the company meant a quick change around of vehicles between the existing road engineers, which left the Datsun van spare. I was both grateful and disappointed, but I didn’t have it for long. I wasted no time in mangling the driver’s door while reversing – door open, looking out of it to the rear and forgetting about the start of a wall. Oops. One of the engineers decided he preferred the van (maybe he had a moonlighting operation going) and I swapped it for one of the fleet cars.

Ford Escort Mk2

About as basic as you can get, no radio no nothing. It was ok to drive and a lot cooler than the van. I had arrived.

Ford Fiesta Mk2

Damn you Ford for foisting that 1.6 diesel engine on the general public. In this small car it was adequately quick, but God it was noisy. We had a lawn mower than made the same noise. Otherwise it was fun to drive. It met an untimely end when I smashed it into the back of a car waiting to turn right that I didn’t see. The next week it got towed back to the head office in Manchester at 80mph on the motorway, with me steering. Quite an experience. Thanks Ian, you nutcase.

Datsun Pickup That I Hated

I can’t even be bothered to look up the model number of this. The company thought as I young lad I would love this thing with its over-sized wheels, roll bar in the bed area and bull bar on the front. In hindsight, maybe after the Fiesta fiasco they thought I would be safer in this. I saw it as an embarrassment.

Peugeot 205

This was a good little car. The 1.9 non-turbo diesel engine (same as in the 305 later on) was adequate for hauling this around. It was well-packaged too, plenty of room inside and a surprisingly decent-size boot. Interior trim did fall off occasionally, but I guess you can’t have everything.

Datsun Sunny Mk2

The company I worked for had a very random car policy and somehow this 1.5 automatic found it’s way onto the fleet. Actually a really good car for the time, completely reliable and fairly punchy despite the slushmatic gearbox. It was not cool though, and the flat beige paintwork didn’t help.

Datsun Bluebird Mk2 Estate

It was decided that we could get rid of the van if we all had large estates, and so the canary yellow Bluebird arrived. Beige vinyl interior. It did everything well, can’t complain, although the live axle back end was vicious if not treated well, especially after the previous front-wheel drive Sunny which just scrubbed off speed no matter what mistakes its young driver made.

Morris Ital Estate

The company I worked for bought another company and a selection of these ended up on the fleet. This was the HL version, so not a base model, but I’m at a loss to know what extras it had. Not even a radio. It was a 1.7 and pretty quick just after a service (then it would start to slow down until the next one). I broke two differentials somehow, though I don’t think I was abusing it to that extent. One journey I was coming down a mountain road and the brakes faded out completely. Terrifying, not even the handbrake did anything. I made noises that I wasn’t happy driving it any more and within I few weeks it was changed, by coincidence rather than request.

Peugeot 305 Mk2 Saloon

A brand new car for me, 1.9 non-turbo diesel. Comfortable and fairly quiet if you weren’t accelerating. There was always the risk of being out-accelerated by a nearby slug. I thought this was just how diesels were until I drove an identical model on the fleet that was delivered at the same time, which had a reasonable turn of speed by comparison. I’ve been a bit wary of Peugeot cars ever since.

Vauxhall Chevette Estate

The company I worked for delivered an ultimatum to the engineering staff that if we didn’t start working weekends then we would be made redundant. I had been thinking of leaving home and moving to London for a while, and when suddenly the potential for money to do it was there I said to my boss yes please, I will take that redundancy. “Oh f*ck”, he said. Well, if you value your staff maybe don’t go making threats to them. No matter, it was very timely and in order to get down to London with my belongings I bought my first car with the redundancy money, a Vauxhall Chevette. It got me to and from London a few times. With any sort of load, the maximum speed was 60 if you didn’t want the engine to overheat.

Ford Escort Mk3 Van

So here I am in London and after messing about on the dole for a couple of months I got another job engineering, which came with a van. With a petrol engine.

Ford Escort Mk4 Estate

Same company, we were all upgraded to cars. Two-door Escort estates with removable advertising panels that fixed over the rear windows. Same 1.6 diesel as in the Fiesta above. Truly an awful engine. To this day I would never buy a Ford because of it, no matter how good they are now. I think I must hold grudges, reading back.

Volkswagen Passat Estate 1.9TD Mk2

Such was my aversion to the Ford 1.6 diesel engine I threw my toys out of the pram and asked the company for a petrol-engined car next time the vehicles were updated. The request was flatly refused, so I left. There were other reasons for leaving of course, but those other reasons wouldn’t ever change so my thinking was if I could remove one major dislike it would be worth staying. As an aside, I lived far and away from the office over the other side of London and nobody would commit to giving me a lift home on my final day. So I hired a BMW 316i from Guy Salmon and had it delivered to the office, ready for 5pm. Nothing much was said, but you could tell they found it rather irksome. Anyway, the new company was kind of the leader in its field and the engineer’s vehicles reflected that. There not much to say about the Passat except that it didn’t have power steering and that spoiled the experience somewhat.

Vauxhall Cavalier 1.6 Mk3

I really liked this car, it did everything well and I liked the looks. It also came equipped with everything I looked for in a car at that time; central locking, electric windows, decent enough cassette player and power steering. I think it thoroughly deserved its impressive sales figures.

Vauxhall Cavalier 1.8 L Mk3 Auto

I had chronic back problems at this point, I later realised that always carrying a heavy toolbox in my left hand was the culprit. When my back was bad, depressing the clutch pedal was often painful. I asked my manager for an automatic next time there was a changeover but he didn’t really want to argue the point with his bosses so told me to go direct. I did, and within about 3 minutes of discussion the second-in-command agreed. This was before the current crop of dual clutch automatics, so it was an old school 4 speed with a torque convertor. Great gearbox, smooth and almost always in the right gear.

Vauxhall Cavalier 1.8 L Mk3 Manual

I was made an offer I couldn’t refuse and so left the previous company and was able to specify the car at the new, to a certain degree. I’d switched to a smaller tool wallet at this point, and my back problems had disappeared so I was ok with this manual 1.8 with a useful bit of poke over the 1.6 and 1.8 auto. The only real issue with is was it whistled at 70mph; I could never track down the cause.

Peugeot 405 1.9TD Hunter Estate

My current boss was quite pleased when I chose a diesel car to replace the Cavalier, being a cautious guy with company funds. I put ‘Hunter’ in the title because they were pretty rare in that trim; it was a short-lived slightly better-equipped version of a 405. Very comfortable car, I think it had heated seats too, but the only other memorable thing was the plastic centre caps would ping out of the alloy wheels when doing some spirited cornering. After a while, my boss said he wouldn’t buy any more replacement caps and so I had to start buying them myself.

In between this and the previous Cavalier, I had use of my boss’s Subaru Legacy for a few months. Then driving off in newly-acquired the 405, I nearly left the road at the first serious corner – not realising how much work the four-wheel drive of the Legacy had been doing for me.

Peugeot 405 1.8 GL Estate

The previous job didn’t turn out how I expected so I changed companies again, having been offered a sort of management roll elsewhere. There wasn’t much time to choose a car and I hurriedly settled for the petrol version of the 405 estate. I wish I hadn’t, the lack of equipment took the shine off it and the 1.8 petrol was reluctant to give its horses up. It also had a problem with engine pinking that “can’t be cured sir”. It also had a keypad that you had to enter in a four-digit code before the engine would start. The code was soon changed to 1111. Awful idea, thanks Peugeot.

Ford Ka Mk1

I had got thoroughly bored with engineering and decided to leave and be self-employed designing websites, which I had been playing about with for some time. I wanted a new car that I didn’t have to worry about for a few years. I really liked the design of the Ka, I thought it was incredibility daring of Ford to do it. So I temporarily forgave Ford for its diesel engines and bought a brand-new Ka; apart from liking the styling it was the only new car I could afford with air conditioning. It was great in London, but needed slightly more power. NVH was poor though, you certainly knew about it if you did a long motorway trip. If Ford had put the more pokey 1.25L engine they had in the Fiesta at the time in the Ka it would have been great.

Vauxhall Vectra 1.8 L

A twist of a fate led me to run into my old boss from the petrol 405 days, and long story short I ended up working for him again. The commute to work was mostly a long fast dual carriageway and the Ka was not up to it, in terms of not being relaxing enough. Enter the Vectra. It’s a later version of the Cavalier, so it must be better right? Not really, it turns out. Nothing to love and devoid of any sort of character, it would fulfil the requirements of commuting in relative peace and quiet. I still had the Ka, I wasn’t sure how this second incarnation at the same company would work out.

Volvo S60 2.4

It didn’t work out. I left and went back to web design, and also pretended to be a record producer for a while. I felt I needed something with more gravitas to fulfil that role, and also the four and a half hour journeys back home in the Ka were now not something I looked forward too. This is by far and away my favourite car that I’ve owned. A normally-aspirated 2.4 and slushmatic gearbox provided plenty of power, it was quiet, comfortable, handled really well (only the 4 wheel drive Legacy outdid it) and the seats were comfortable beyond measure. I could do the four and half hour journey back home and arrive as refreshed as I had started. It also had the only climate control system I have experienced that did its job unobtrusively and without ever having to touch it. Negative points? It was a bit cramped in the rear for such a large car and the turning circle was rather ponderous. Otherwise, a great car.

Volkswagen Polo Mk4

The S60 was starting to show signs of major repairs coming up, first thing was when the dashboard gave out. I managed to get this repaired via a company I found on eBay so it wasn’t too dear but I could see that it was the start of a downward trend. I had the opportunity to acquire a few years old Polo with just 7,000 miles on the clock so I took the plunge. Jeez, what a comedown. Back to noisy, bouncy and underpowered, sigh. It eventually got written off when a van drove into the back of it while I was waiting at a junction. And no Mr Van Driver – I didn’t reverse into you, you lying cheeky bastard.

Citroen C4 1.6TD Mk2

This brings me to my current car. I had no plans to change the Polo with, by then, 32,000 miles on it but the aforementioned van driver had other ideas. At this point in time, I have a clear idea of the minimum spec I will have on a car, given the choice. So it has to have folding mirrors, air con, cruise control and the rest of the niceties we take for granted these days. I like a lot of things about this car when its working, but it has been the most unreliable piece of baguette-shaped waste I have ever owned. It also has the dubious distinction of being the only car that’s ever left me stranded somewhere through no fault of my own. Doubtless I will list everything that has gone wrong with it at some point. Major plus? It’s hard to get it to do less then 60mpg, and 72mpg is easy enough if you take care.